So...

I honestly can't believe it's been 2 months since I last posted anything. It wasn't so much that I was busy or I didn't have anything to say rather, if I'm honest I just kept putting this off and it just kind of escalated from there. Let me try and explain.

When I last posted on here, I was feeling positive about the future. Ready to go out there, guns a blazing and with the promise that I'd be more optimistic and just try my best. Well, that appeared to last for all of about a week before I reverted back to a state of blind panic and general gloominess.

I'm not even sure what happened and I don't think it was one thing specifically, rather a series of things. See it's often said that there are two kinds of people; the optimists who are forever hopeful and the pessimists who like to anticipate the worst. I'm not sure which category I'd fit in. I don't necessarily think that the world is a dark place nor do I think that all people are inherently evil; in fact it's quite the opposite. I am full of optimism when it comes to most people and I'm forever collecting happy and inspirational quotes to share. It's just when it comes to myself I am far more hesitant to believe something good is going to happen. I tend to anticipate the worst because in a way if that doesn't happen then it can only be better. So what does that make me? An optimistic pessimist or a pessimistic optimist perhaps?          

As of late, more and more little things started getting to me. It started off as just a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that suddenly escalated into being stuck in this dark gloom that I just couldn't shake off no matter what I tried. For instance one day, I decided to try writing out my notes on narrow ruled paper, in some kind of attempt to mix things up and change my mood. Half way through, I suddenly felt this overwhelming feeling that something was wrong. Suddenly the lines just seemed too small, my writing too scrawny and worst of all I wasn't even taking in any of what I had just written. In that moment I realised I hated narrow ruled paper and I wanted back my familiar medium college ruled paper. The paper I'd grown up with and had gotten used to. Where the lines weren't too big or too small but, to quote good old Goldilocks, somehow 'just right'. Of course, it was clear that this was about much more than the lined paper.

I know that people say that talking about it helps but I don't really know how to and I don't want to turn into the person that's forever complaining of how everything sucks and just generally rain all over everyone else's parade with my doom and gloom. So I just keep just stuff things in my metaphorical box and on the outside I generally appear cool as a cucumber. I am the master of sweeping things under the carpet and it's gotten to the point where I don't even know how to cry or let things out anymore. But every once in a while the box gets too full, things start pouring out and the cracks start to show. If I'm honest after years of just ignoring stuff, I have no real ways of actually dealing with things.

When I first started uni, I had this picture of what things would be like. I was far more optimistic. I had a plan and it finally felt like things were starting to work out. And now? Now it just feels like I've lost control of everything and I just don't know anymore. I hate feeling sorry for myself and I know that my life could be so much worse, but that doesn't make me feel any better. So now I'm stuck in this existential crisis of sorts; obsessively drinking mugs of green tea, trying to piece things back together again.              

"I'd like to be my old self again but I'm still trying to find it. " - T.S